Over the last year, I have really wondered how God would pull me through.
I had to keep repeating to myself, “He will, I know He will.” But sometimes, I truthfully couldn’t see how.
I remember crying my eyes out – not in any kind of dignified way. I mean, at home, alone, collapsing on the floor, at work, on buses – all consuming kind of crying.
I couldn’t see a way through the things I was going through. I couldn’t see any point. I couldn’t see any light.
And even just remembering that brings tears to my eyes.
Right now though, as I think back to little over a year ago, I can finally see what He’s been doing.
He’s taken care of me. He’s pulled me through, what I thought were just pointless days, and made me a different kind of Christian.
I can finally see some of the good things God is doing – “And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God. To those who are the called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28
Matthew and I were visiting a church a couple of weeks ago, the first Sabbath of the New Year, and the preacher used us as an illustration of faith (something to do with sitting right up the front where the roof is more likely to cave in if there is an earthquake).
I can’t tell you how much I wanted to scoff at that – Me? ME? You think I have faith?! Are you kidding me?! You’re using me as a lesson in faith?
Later on in his sermon, he said this:
Faith doesn’t mean things will be easy.
It’s knowing God is working with you through all things.
This changed my whole perspective.
I did believe God would always be with me through everything. Sometimes I couldn’t feel Him there, sometimes I felt like He wasn’t doing anything, but I did believe He was always with me.
This preacher’s quote made me instantly think of a couple of verses from the Bible:
2 Corinthians 4:8,9
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed;
We are perplexed, but not in despair;
Persecuted, but not forsaken;
Cast down, but not destroyed.
And I can see, all through my year, where God has sent someone, some verse, or some message, at just the right time.
Although I felt the lowest I could possibly be, I had not reached the bottom.
Although there were moments when I wanted to give up, He didn’t let me do that.
God kept me from that. He held me through it.
Faith isn’t ‘being happy’ when you’re going through bad things.
It’s believing that God is journeying with you, is strengthening you, through all those bad things.
Sometimes He calms the storm.
Sometimes, He lets the storm rage on, and calms His child.
And faith doesn’t mean you’ll never get angry with God – one thing that I’ve relearned is how His timing is incredibly different to ours.
What I used to take as His inaction, has actually given me time to calm down.
He knew that I would be mad, that I would cry, scream, rage, make angry statements, wish for things that I would regret ever thinking. But He never, not for one second, left my side. He let me cry out my storm. He held me while I beat my fists upon His chest.
And now, I don’t cry as much. I’m laughing more.
From a time where I couldn’t see how He could possibly
pull drag me through, He has. He is. He does. And He will.
I can’t give you the faith I have – and it would be foolish of me to assume that you would want it.
But I can give you a lesson in faith.
I have learnt that believing a better time is coming, is a good thing.
I have learnt that forcing yourself to be grateful can seriously help when you’re down.
I have learnt that with man, some things are impossible. But with God, all things are possible. (Mark 10:27)
Faith: It makes things possible, not easy.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9